Loghain Dreaming
by SetsunaNoroi
Summary: Solona Amell has seen Loghain Mac Tir many different ways. Legend, enemy, and ally. She's never seen him as just a man though until she sees him sleeping and... biting his pillow of all things. She'd been confused by him before, but even this might be a bit much. Written for a lovely picture I saw on devaint art. Full credits inside. Rated T for implications of adult themes


I saw a great picture for Loghain on Deviant Art and really, I just couldn't help myself. I'm one of those Dragon Age fans that actually really likes Loghain... in certain aspects. I never liked the things he did, but I can appreciate the game where it lets you take the bad guy and reform him. I have to admit, the first time I played the game I figured he was just the typical villain that wanted power. Yet when I played it the second time, knowing what I know now about his character I can't believe I didn't piece together what kind of guy he really was. His anger at Cailan for his disrespectful treatment of his daughter (though I still like Cailan too, but no father is going to like that stuff), hatred for the Orlesians and why, all his reactions just seemed to come together and seemed so obvious the second time and made me feel for him despite the fact I could never condone what he did. Not to mention Stolen Throne. Oh god, right in the feels with that book.

I don't like him when he's being a jerk, but I do find something to be said for a man who truly feels remorse and seeks redemption for his actions and being more than willing to work for it. So when I saw the picture "Loghain Dreaming" by ladywinde (seriously, if you like his character, check it out) I immediately asked permission to write something for it and this is the final result.

Also, yadda yadda, don't own. All belongs with Bioware. Done with all the legal stuff? Good. I sincerely hope that you and she likes it.

Loghain Dreaming

There were many things Solana Amell didn't know about the world. She'd been taken into the Circle before she'd even been a toddler and had spent her life in the stone walls of the tower. Yes, she'd been allowed to occasionally go about the grounds with Templar supervision for lessons or to get some sunshine, but it had all been within the confines of what was allowed. Anything she knew of the outside world was all in her books. There were maps for lands she had never needed to really know except for country borders and general layout, books of history for events mostly old legends, and teachers to answer any question she might have had but few of them about anything other than magic.

There was no getting around the fact though that sometimes the best teacher was simple experience. Without it, she'd been woefully unprepared for many things that had come her way. She had no experience with people that were not mages or templars, and she'd been unaware of a lot of things she hadn't been able to read in her books. She had done her best, and if nothing else the Circle had taught her how to adapt quickly but some things had been doomed all because of her lack of experience.

She was no politician. The Landsmeet had barely worked in her opinion, though she'd done everything in her power to make things right. To think she was actually a daughter of nobles, when she had no talent to sway the emotions or ideas of others. It had seemed a miracle that she'd been able to get a compromise, a way to avoid further bloodshed.

She didn't want to hurt anyone or take any lives. When the proposal to let Loghain live had come up, to allow him to become a Grey Warden so that he might be able to undo some of the damage he'd caused, she'd leaped at the chance. She'd only wanted what was best. Why should Anora lose her throne when she'd proven herself to be a capable leader? Why should Alistair not have a say in the ruling of Ferelden when he had a right by blood and a passion to keep the country safe?

Marriage and mercy had seemed like the best options, but she'd been unprepared for the way Alistair had glared at her, threw words of contempt at her. He had been her dear and wonderful friend, the senior Grey Warden she'd come to rely on for guidance even if he'd only been in the order himself for a short time. In her mind they'd become so close, yet when he agreed to marry Anora but refused to travel with them or acknowledge her any more, Solana had been more than a little hurt.

Its not as if she were a child or a fool. She could understand his reaction. Solana had wanted to save him from the black hatred in his heart that had slowly been consuming him, but it hadn't been her choice. It wasn't as if she could force him to forgive and forget, yet she'd tried to do it and been surprised when it had all gone south for them.

The whole experience had made her realize just how little about the world, or more accurately people, she could successfully predict.

Alistair was just one side of the coin though. Once she'd thought about it with a clear mind, she'd been able to see all the points he'd made, no matter how spitefully he'd made them. Things were sore but she was determined to apologize to him someday when he was more receptive. The Blight would be over and she'd go to him and tell him he was right about the fact she'd overstepped herself on his rights but then explain why she'd been unwilling to kill someone in cold blood who had already surrendered. The mage had faith he would eventually understand and maybe even forgive her. Her friend was not a person who let anger and hate rule his life, even with everything that had happened. She felt she understood him well enough to feel confident this wasn't the end of their friendship, just a very serious test to it but one they could overcome if they tried.

The other side of the coin though was much, much harder.

Solona had always believed in being practical. Years in the Circle, learning how to control her powers, how to resist the temptations of demons that preyed upon emotions to bring ruin, it had all instilled a sense of practicality. Magic was to serve man, just like everything else. War was to bring peace. Religions was to bring solace and inspire acts of good. The moment man was made to serve war and religion instead of the other way around, that was when trouble started. She had no problem with her role in the world. Sure, she wished at times she could know more about her family. She wished she'd known more of the world before she'd been thrust into it and expected to save it, but she had asked for the right to become a warden. It had been an honor to her and still was. She was serving man, saving them or the very least trying to. There was no need inside of her to throw off her responsibilities to go shoot lightning at whatever she felt like or slit her wrists to power awful spells. Where was the appeal in any of that?

No matter how practical she tried to be about Loghain though, he always threw her for a loop. Something about the man kept her on her toes. The fact she knew so little about him bothered her. A lack of information scared her. She enjoyed facts. They helped her see the problem so she could fix it, but she knew so little about the man who was now her traveling companion.

No, that wasn't entirely true. There were things to know about him. He'd been a hero not long ago. He'd helped the king throw off the oppression of the Orlesians and free their country. There were plenty of books that had covered the resistance and him. When she'd first met him at Ostagar it had felt like meeting an old figure from legend that was ten feet tall and more power and influence than she could ever possibly contemplate.

Being so wrong had stung a little. It had felt wrong their whole journey, thinking about a man who was supposed to be a hero she'd learned about doing all of these awful things. It was like someone had stolen his name and done nothing but evil with it.

Such thoughts were foolish though. It was Loghain, there was no denying that. It was still him. People could change and often not for the better. Yet he'd shown remorse, given up every bit of power he'd had and still been willing to do anything it would take to help Feredaln.

Anything, it was... a strong word. A word she thought was used so lightly by most people. Grey Wardens said the same thing, anything needed to stop a Blight. Even though she'd heard such things from Duncan, she wondered if he would have done the same as Loghain. Would he have resorted to slavery if it would have stopped the Blight? He'd killed a man right in front of her, just to protect a secret. Maybe to men like that, hardened by death and war it was different, easier.

"You're thinking hard about something," a grim voice noted and Solona looked up suddenly. The man she'd been pondering over was watching her, sitting up now and regarding her. She had thought he was asleep.

"I think hard about a lot of things these days," she admitted. "Things have been a little... trying lately."

"Ah, you are referring to the Blight?" he asked her.

"Actually, I was thinking about the Landsmeet," she confessed, looking him right in the eye. She might have spent most of her life away from most people, but that didn't mean she hadn't always stood up for her convictions. It didn't seem to phase him though, and he met her gaze. He'd stared down whole armies so she had a feeling she wasn't much to him in the long run.

"Missing your precious Alistair then?"

"Why do you do that?" she asked him suddenly. He actually looked a bit confused at her question, as if he didn't expect it.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Why do you do everything in your power to seem like you don't care?" she expanded for him. "Why say anything you can to be as antagonistic as possible to everyone in this camp? I know you feel remorse for your actions. You used to be a hero to these lands, and now your name is mud. You nearly lost your daughter her rule and you could have destroyed the very land you swore to protect, and when confronted with those things and beaten, you stepped down and allowed yourself to join a group that hated you so that you could still help save a country that might remember you as nothing more than a traitor? So why do you act like you don't care in the slightest? Why do you do anything you can to pick fights with me and everyone else here? I spared your life when I could have let Alistair, my best friend, kill you. If I'm not going fight you over Ostagar, or Duncan's life, or even King Cailan's, what in the world makes you think I'm going to suddenly bicker with you just because you throw a barb or two at me?"

"I have to admit, you're a wiser woman than I gave credit to when I first met you," he said. "You seemed like a young waif then, small and weak. You looked like you could have fallen over with a single blow of the wind."

"Insults won't make me forget the questions I've asked," she informed him, though her cheeks were a bit red. It wasn't as if he was all that wrong. She'd been vastly under experienced compared to him, still was really. Hearing she'd looked as obvious as she had felt back then certainly didn't help.

"I was not meaning to insult you, only say that I underestimated you. You still continue to surprise me," he admitted. "I am apologetic to the things I have done, but not for any moral reasons you seem to cling to. I am sorry that my actions led us down the path we are on, not that I did them. If I knew back then what I did know, I wouldn't have. I thought I was saving Fereldan."

"And if those actions would have saved Fereldan?" she asked him quietly, though she had a feeling she already knew the answer.

"I'd do it without a second's thought. That is why I do not get along with anyone here, because that is not what they want to hear. They want to hear me grovel, and beg for forgiveness. Even you believe what I did was wrong based on morality and emotions rather than logic. I can see it in your eyes. You're a smart woman, but you're also a little too kind and soft," he informed her. "That of course is the problem with experience and old age."

"What do you mean?" she asked him, feeling confused by his words.

"To you, I am the way I am and that is it," he explained. "This image is all that is in your mind. However, I was once like you. I saw the world with different eyes. Before I was a general, or even a soldier, I was inexperienced and stumbling my way through the world as I desperately fought for what was right. I swore back then I'd do anything to see Fereldan free and safe, but the meaning of those words drilled their way into me slowly. I look at you and know you will someday change, that you will learn more and see more, and it will shape you. Perhaps not into a hardened warrior like me, but it will change you. It is the way the years work. Maybe they even will turn you into me, when you have so many lives on your shoulders it becomes a game of numbers you must think logically about instead of what is right or wrong. Only what can help you win matters."

"I don't believe that," she said. "I could never be like that."

"Perhaps not, but we are both Grey Wardens. We have so much more than a single nation to think about now. We have sacrificed our own lives in order to possibly stop this Blight. We will no doubt have to sacrifice more when it comes to it," he said.

"As a mage, I was always taught the ends never justify the means," she replied. "We have to constantly keep ourselves in check. We have to watch ourselves carefully. Doing anything for power, no matter how right the cause is not only forbidden, it is taught to us the moment we enter the circle. The concept of doing anything required feels wrong to me. Yes, the Grey Wardens might not blink an eye if I were to learn blood magic, or if I were to use demons to fight... but the thought of letting myself sink so low for power..."

She peered into the fire, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them tightly.

"There are just some things I could never do," she finished softly.

"I know. So far, I can not tell if that is good or bad," he stated. "May the years shape you kindly then."

He finally persuaded her to sleep, that he would take watch and let her rest. Even as she laid down on her cot though, she didn't sleep. For once, she didn't dream of darkspawn, mostly because she couldn't dream at all. She had a feeling she had too much to think about anyway.

Loghain was no longer her enemy, but she wasn't sure what he was now either. His words were harsh, life lessons even harder than the ones Morrigan passed along to her. It was hard to think of him as her own age, inexperienced and worried but determined to save everything despite not actually knowing how to. It didn't fit and she didn't know if it ever would.

#-#

Time passed as it was wont to do. Solana didn't know how she got through most of it. Her friends had helped, some much more than others though. Morrigan's offer had been... unexpected. The thought of the woman with a child that possessed the soul of an old god? It had taken a good hour of convincing from the apostate for her to even consider it, and even then she had serious doubts. Solona loved Morrigan dearly but she wasn't a figure than inspired trust.

She had almost changed her mind twice when she'd gone to ask Loghain, and another when he'd expressed his doubts. It felt wrong to ask him and she didn't try hard to convince him. It wasn't just a night she was asking him to do, but to have a child that he would never see or be able to have anything to do with. After seeing how much he cared for Anora, she knew how deeply that would cut him.

She'd only had a single reason she'd been able to give him when asked why, and it had felt pathetic even in her own mind.

"I didn't spare you at the Landsmeet just to let you die now," she'd confessed. "It wasn't a punishment, no matter what anyone else thinks. It was a chance to start over, a new life. It's your choice though."

It wouldn't have been right to push. It had only been an option for him, nothing more, and she'd only been the one to present it. He'd agreed though, and she tried not to feel guilty over it. Her feelings were mixed on everything, and it didn't go away for a long time, even after the slaying of the archdemon and the celebrations. She used her boon to honor those fallen and tried not to think too much about what they would have felt about all of this as she avoided the questions from everyone on how she'd survived slaying the beast.

She was actually glad to have Vigil's Keep to go to. Things at court were awkward at the best of times, Alistair never fully forgiving her, even as he admitted it might have been the right thing to do. He'd thrown himself into leadership and wore it well though, so she tried to consider it a good thing. Everyone else scattered, leaving like Morrigan had even if much less mysteriously. It had felt right to go herself eventually, to forge on and continue with her life and her work.

Technically she was senior Grey Warden by default, and she did her best to wear it well. Keeping a level head was needed of her, especially considering the horrors that had awaited her. Politics, schemes, fixing the keep, talking darkspawn and the mysteries of even her own companions. Justice alone gave her enough questions to fill a day, and it was hard work to find time for it all.

Hard work was a distraction though, and she took it all more than willingly.

Was this what Loghain had meant by being shaped by duty and time? She couldn't have imagined doing all of this a year ago, and yet here she was. Each day made her a little more determined, and having the lives of others on her shoulders made thinking over issues much easier. There were lives to protect and she was determined to do it, the personal cost never that hard to pay.

Maybe that's why it felt so nice to see him again after he'd arrived. It felt familiar, but there were on more even ground now. Perhaps responsibilities had helped her feel like she understood him better, but it was a nice sensation no matter what the reason.

"Loghain," she said as she approached him.

"There you are," he replied in greeting, actually smiling at her. It wasn't a sight she could ever remember seeing on him and it was... not off putting, but it made her feel a little odd. "I see you are back amongst the Wardens, and now Commander. Leadership looks good on you, I think."

"It's... temporary," she said, having no idea what else to say. She had not seen him much these last six months. Clearly they had been good to him. He seemed much more at peace now. It was not a bad sight though she couldn't help but wonder at it. "Thank you though."

"It always is," he said with a shake of his head, leaning casually against the pillar of her hall. "I came to pay my respects to the new Commander of course. I trust everything is going well?"

"No," she said immediately. "It's going adequately, but not well. You might not have heard, but the keep was attacked. We lost all the Wardens here, taken by the darkspawn. I think it's a kindness to hope they are dead."

She had actually been thankful to hear none of them had been women or she would have assumed they were looking to make new brood mothers. As it was, she didn't know what was going on. It was a mystery that she was determined to solve though.

"I had heard actually, from Anora," he said, losing his smile. "Orlesian or no, they did not deserve such a fate."

"I'm surprised to hear you say that," she said honestly.

"So am I, honestly. I suppose I didn't see it before, but there is a brotherhood between the Wardens I can not deny, even if from other lands. I feel it one way or the other, the blood holding us together even if there is nothing else in common. Easier to accept by embracing it than fighting it. Which brings us to the other reason I'm here. I've been given orders to transfer to Montsimmard. Apparently I'm not trusted to remain, since it's likely I'll interfere. Perhaps their right... still, to send me to Orlais. I thought darkspawn blood would be the last posion I would have to swallow."

Oh yes, that seemed much more like him. His bitterness was what she was used to, though she was sure it was best not to let him dwell in it.

"I'll intercede on your behalf," she said. "If they're worried about you trying to influence politics through Anora, I'll tell them I need you here. You'll be too busy to worry about anything happening with the throne, I can assure you."

"Kind, but unnecessary," he replied. "My orders come from Weisshaupt itself. There is no getting out of it. It is time for me to go now that I have seen to paying my respects. The Orlesians await my presence, daggers and all."

His smile was back again, oddly charming despite his words. It might have been what made her suddenly reach out and grab him as he turned to go.

"Stay," she ordered.

If he was surprised by her actions, it didn't show on his face. Still, she dropped her hand quickly. Perhaps she was acting too familiar with him. It didn't mean she'd change her mind though.

"It's dusk out, and there are dangers out there even a general of the armies should be wary of," she explained. "Darkspawn with intelligence, the ability to plan and think. I don't want you out there traveling tonight. The few hours you'll save isn't worth it."

"I don't suppose you would accept my saying I could handle myself no matter the situation?" Loghain asked her.

"No, I would not. There are plenty of rooms here and I know you wouldn't be heartbroken over delaying your trip there by a night. You've survived a lot and I don't want you to press your luck. I'll see you off in the morning but you will stay here," she said firmly.

"Very well," he said, though he didn't look like he minded the idea. "I will see you in the morning then, Commander."

She let him leave, sending someone with him to show him where he could rest. While most of the lesser halls had been used as barracks, there were still plenty of smaller individual rooms that he could rest for the night. He'd certainly need it before the long journey, and she felt better knowing he wouldn't have to worry about any of those monsters laying in wait for him in the dark of the night.

It was hours later before she was able to get any rest herself, meetings and unhappy nobles to attend to. It was giving her a certain sympathy for Anora. How she managed to balance a whole nation was unfathomable to her. Solana had trouble just with being an Arl. The thoughts of being a queen was honestly terrifying.

The mage was eager to get to bed as she walked down the halls to her room, and she stopped at the door of the room that had been assigned to Loghain. She imagined he was inside, polishing his armor or something. He didn't seem like a man who really rested.

It was an impulse to knock on his door, to ask to come in even if it was just to wish him good night. It had been nice to see him, nicer than she would have thought it would have been. Was it so odd that she just wanted a bit more of that before he left?

There wasn't an answer though, and she slowly opened the door. Was he really asleep already? It was getting late, but she had thought he'd taken her offer somewhat begrudgingly.

It would have been much wiser to stay out of his room, not that she'd known it at the time.

He was indeed asleep, his bed a mess as he laid on it. The blanket on top of him was haphazardly clinging to him, tangled up around his body but only partially covering it. Her eyes widened as she looked at him, realizing he was without his armor... or any clothes on his body at all from what she could see and the blanket wasn't covering all that much. Much of his back was exposed as he lay on his front, as well as his legs. It was really only his waist that wasn't bare to her eyes.

Solona had never seen him so... exposed before. He was always so firm and regal. Even in his most emotional moments, he had never seen so human. It was a harsh realization that she'd never really thought of him as one, always just some figure from history or an enemy and then a confusing ally.

Never once had he been just a person to her.

If this realization was dizzying to her, it was nothing compared to just what he was doing. If he'd been still in his sleep, it wouldn't have caught her eyes so determinedly. It looked like Loghain was having a nightmare, his fists clenched in the sheets and his face twisted with whatever dream he was having.

His teeth were sunk into his pillow... Andraste preserve her. It clicked almost immediately what kind of dream he had to be having. His hips shifted slightly, not entirely within the act of what he had to be dreaming about, but moving enough to pantomime it. Whoever was in his dreams was feeling his touch right now, and she was intruding.

It was a foolish thought, but she couldn't berate herself for it. She didn't even think to. All she could do was watch as he moved on his bed, growling occasionally. A stab of something she didn't want to acknowledge hit her stomach and the grip on his door weakened before her hands slipped to her side.

Any sane woman would have left, or if brave enough would have gone to his bed to wake him and join him if so inclined. She couldn't do either, just watch as his hips moved in the sheets, no doubt ruining them as surely as his teeth were to the pillow. It all looked so intense, so harsh to her. She wondered for a moment just what things he was dreaming of to make him do such things unconsciously, just how strong that dream had to be in order to get such a stoic man to be so lustful.

She felt a desire to reach out and touch him. She could slip into the Fade with enough power, maybe see his dream. It was an utterly insane thought, but it was a need she wanted to indulge in. Her fingers twitched as she took a step toward him, the power actually flaring in her hands for a second. Maybe a demon was whispering in her mind to do so, pushing her forward to use her powers foolishly. Indulging a little, even a little, was so stupid but her convictions were always shaky at best around this man. Why not take the benefit?

What was the real harm?

The second her hand was within reach of him though, the moment was broken. He was awake instantly, eyes snapped open as he rolled over and grabbed her by the wrist. She didn't even have time to cry out in surprise as he yanked her forward and shoved her to the bed, pinned beneath him and a knife to her throat.

Because of course he would sleep with a knife under his pillow.

She didn't speak, didn't move as he slowly realized who he had pinned down. Even as the pressure of the blade left though, she could feel his body against her own, not much between them. The effects of his dream especially was pressed very snugly against her thigh.

"Maker's breath, Commander. I didn't-"

"I should go," she interrupted, not sure she could even talk about this. Her moment of foolishness was already being paid for and she just wanted to leave. This was too awkward in too many ways, and she was too scared to face it. She was sure a woman like Morrigan would turn it to her advantage, would reach out and touch, do whatever she wanted. The fact that she in fact had touched his body didn't exactly help Solona's courage either. Somehow in this small moment of confusion and insanity, it felt a bit like a competition to be in this position and she would fail miserably in comparison.

"Commander, I'm sorry. You-"

She was already slipping out of the bed though, and headed quickly to the door. He might not have realized yet why she was in here or what she'd seen, and she didn't want to be here when he did.

"Good night, Loghain," she said before she shut the door firmly behind her. She breathed out a deep breath, leaning her back against the door and took a moment to collect herself. It was all she could afford before she walked away, her mind spinning.

Loghain had been a figure she'd learned about, met and felt awe, been betrayed by and then allied with. He had changed many times in her eyes and she hadn't always had an easy time keeping up, but she had kept up. Now though, he was another person, a man. A man who still had pleasant features despite being old enough to be her father, and some she'd gotten rather close to. It was making weird things churn inside of her, and she had to squash it down with a firm determination.

Solona wasn't prepared to handle such things, not right now. She would just go to her chambers, wash up and then sleep. In the morning she'd see him off and hope that the moment was not too awkward. Whatever odd feelings that had snuck up on her and had ambushed her from the sight of him would leave her be eventually, after she sorted it out in her own head.

Still, somehow she knew as she stripped off her robes and sunk down in the tub of hot water that had already been prepared for her that the sight of Loghain biting into that pillow so naughtily would not leave her mind for some time.

Perhaps she was growing up a bit though, because she didn't mind that too much.

End

Well, that was satisfying to write. I had thought a little about making the ending a little naughty, but it didn't really evolve that way. The way I played my Amell Grey Warden, she wasn't naive so much, but she was certainly inexperienced in a lot of the world. Top student and sheltered, still pretty young when completing her Harrowing, Solona knows a lot and so little at the same time. I couldn't see her having the guts to go for Loghain, but he's still a nice piece of fantasy. She'll no doubt be stuck on him for a long time.

Also, my beta reader wasn't available for this, so I'm really sorry if it's a bit messed up in its spelling or grammar. I looked it over myself but it's not easy to spot your own mistakes sometimes. Even without meaning to, skimming your own words is pretty easy. Hopefully there aren't a ton of crappy mistakes in it.


End file.
